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 Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW

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ace94
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PostSubject: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Sun Feb 20, 2011 7:59 am

First topic message reminder :

Well... I am writing 3 novels so I thought to try my luck in fanfiction. Just wanted to hear your opinion.. Unfortunately I hardly have time to do anything but study - let alone continue it.

Anyway, Enjoy!

..................................

INTRODUCTION

It was midnight. The moon was doing its best to shine behind the thick clouds. The boy was sitting by his window, holding an envelope in his hand. He had been waiting all day to open it but he didn't have the time. ''Well, here it goes'' he said to himself and slowly opened the envelope. He pulled out a small note written on notebook paper and read it.
Spoiler:
 
Who was that ''R'' guy? Well, something told him he would find out soon enough. He put his fingers again on the envelope and pulled something that left him speechless.
Spoiler:
 
He knew this thing... Back when he was a little kid. His favourite card. Magician of Black Chaos. ''Well R I don't know who you are but thank you.'' he thought.
Suddenly he heard a noise from downstairs. He was sure his parents were sleeping. So what the...?
The door of his room opened with a loud noise. Behing the door was standing a man in black, his face covered with a black mask. The boy was stunned. Before he could even move, the man raised his gun and shot the boy 4 times in the chest. Then he turned and left quickly.
The boy was having a hard time breathing. He knew this was the end.

''Don't worry friend... Close your eyes and I will take care of everything''
The boy turned his gaze and saw the source of the voice. It was Magician of Black Chaos... in flesh and bones. Then he closed his eyes.
------------------
The city was silent. Probably everyone was sleeping. Only a weird figure was levitating in the sky, holding the body of a boy in his arms. The boy was still alive but he could take his last breath in any moment now.
''Do not fear. You will not die. The end of the world is near. And if you die...then so will everyone.''


Last edited by ace94 on Thu May 19, 2011 6:00 am; edited 6 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:08 am

I didn't like this chapter. The dialogues were too simple and you kept repeating "chosens" and chosen". Both scenes were very similar, knocking on doors and entering and talking. I also think it's better if you say "chosen one' instead of "chosen". This is my opinion, you can do as you wish.

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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:24 am

i think i will start reading this one too!
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:11 am

@Harper: I was informed about CW from Sin. Didn't notice it when writing. Lets say that for our best interest its effect is changed to :Until your next turn, you and your opponent cannot play or Set any Spell or Trap Cards. And what if it is banned ? Should we change our fanfics every time a new banlist comes out ? (Besides, I have used Change of Heart as well in previous chapter so this is not new)

@Winduct: Simple dialogues ? What did you expect ? Be more specific. I agree about the scenes but the plot hasn't even started yet (when it does, nothing will be the same). I have thought of using the ''chosen one'' but I don't like it for 2 reasons. 1) It is not ''one'' but a lot of them. This may create misunderstandings. 2) When in a movie or a novel the term chosen one is used, the movie/novel is usually a failure where the main character is so lame but he always wins cause he is the chosen one (many examples to give but that is not the point). Let me know of your opinion though cause it is most interesting and respectful for me.

@Aris: If you do, let me know of your opinion.

@Redgar,Frost,Sin: Many thanks for the support guys.
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:17 am

You can do whatever you want with your story, it's your story lol. You can change card effects and use your own banlist. Most people prefer to follow both though so tht's why i said it ;). Also don't take winduct's comments personally, he's just blunt lol
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:43 am

I'm not blunt, I'm honest and straight forward. And yes, he should not take them too personally.

By simple dialogues I meant: "He knocked on the door and entered. There was a man with a hood waiting for him. Then he took his hood off and started dancing like a muppet" or something like that. Try to use more description and details.

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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 6:02 am

WOW, that took me long enough. But I promised someone that if I stayed home today I would finish the chapter so here it is. If anyone is still reading this, post your opinion on the chapter and on the fanfic in general so that I now wheather I should continue or not. Enjoy!

Chapter 6: Season of The Chosens

It was early in the afternoon. Sin, Ace and Redgar had just gotten back from the Card Shop. Ace had bought single cards from 2 different circulations and had made a pretty strong deck, while the other two had bought some support for their decks as well. Sin offered to pay for all the cards since he was the new guy but he overdid it a little when he grabbed an Ultimate-Rare Black Magic Ritual, that cost almost as much as all of the other cards they had bought, and gave it to Ace. Ace decided to pay him back for it as soon as he got the money. Now, they were all sitting on the couch in front of the TV. The duel for the Pro-League was about to begin.

Duel-Host: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Pro-League. I am your host for this duel and I am sure we will see an exciting match.

Redgar: Guys, it’s about to start!

Ace put down his new deck and turned his gaze on the TV while Sin took another sip of his coke.

Duel-Host: So…without further delay, let’s introduce our today’s contestants. On my left, there is Blaze. With his 5 in a row winning streak he sure is expected to be a huge challenge. On my right, it is John Doe, the young prodigy that has come to the league as a tornado and blown up everything. Since Aris Samaras’s duel resulted in a draw yesterday, he has the chance to climb on the 2nd place of the league table. Enough words – time for actions!

Blaze: You said it!

Both: Let’s duel!(Blaze:8000 LP/John Doe:8000 LP)

Elsewhere

Vem was sitting behind his desk in his dark office, drinking a glass of whiskey on the rocks. He had a lot to think about. A war had broken out. No matter how many chosens he killed, more and more came to take their place. Not that he didn’t know it beforehand. It’s just that he never imagined they would be so powerful. So he had to think.

???: I see you are worried uncle.

The cold voice snapped Vem out of his thoughts. He turned his head and recognized his nephew stepping out of the shadows.

Vem: Oh, Frost! I never saw you coming. How can I help you?

Frost: You can help me by stop being so inactive! The End of The World is near. According to the prophecies, the chosens will stop appearing within a few days. After that, the real was begins. At the next full-moon the world as we know it will end. But this will happen only if the chosens don’t interfere. And I think it is your responsibility to see to that this won’t happen. I would go out and kill them myself, but you see, the plan is that I stay in the shadows intil the right time comes.

Vem: Don’t worry Frost. I am on it already.

Frost: If you fail, it is you who should be worried.

And with that he left. As he exited the office, both men were thinking exactly the same thing. When the right time comes, I’ll kill him.

At the duel arena

Duel-Host: It is over!!! What a great match! Please make some noise for both duelists!

The crowd was going wild. Both duelists shook hands and headed to the private rooms that the duel arena had for the Pros competing. The electronic scoreboard showed: Blaze:0 LP/John Doe:2700 LP

A few minutes later

John Doe was relaxing on the couch of his private room. Soon he had to go downstairs to answer the questions of all those annoying reporters who had filled the lower floor. A sudden opening of the door snapped him out of his thoughts. A masked man in black was standing in front of him. He was tall and muscular, with a serious expression on his face.

John Doe: Who the hell are you? Busting in my room like that… you sure have some nerve…

Masked man: Excuse me. I must have forgotten my manners. Hunter is the name. And I am here to duel you.

John Doe: Duel me? Listen dude, there are a lot of fans out there that want to duel me but I can’t duel them all. And you are no exception to that. By the way, how did you bust in here? Where is the bodyguard?

Hunter: Well, I figured you had no use for him if he couldn’t protect you even from one person.

Hunter stepped away from the door and John saw what he meant. His bodyguard was lying on the floor, his face covered in blood and his neck definitely broken. He was dead.

John Doe: OK pal. Now you are in big trouble. What the hell do you want?

Hunter: Not very smart huh? I already told you. I wanna duel you (*activates duel disk*).

John Doe: You are on then (*activates duel disk*). Let’s do this.

Hunter: Let me set up the stage first.

Hunter walked a few steps and placed a strange device at the centre of the room. The device lit a green light, indicating it was active.

John Doe: Whata hell is that?

Hunter: Oh, you will find soon enough.

John Doe: I hope it is very soon. Cause I plan on ending this quickly. Time for actions. (Hunter:8000 LP/John Doe:8000 LP)

Hunter: I will begin (*draws card*). I summon Double Coston to the field (ATK/1700). Afterwards, I set 2 face-downs and end my turn.

John Doe: Here comes (*draws card*). I summon D.D. Survivor (ATK/1800). Afterwards, I activate a spell card. Dimensional Fissure. You look like a quite experienced duelist so I’ll skip the explanations. Survivor attack with *Interdimensional Attacks*

A large vortex opened behind Survivor and he jumped in. After the vortex closed, a new one appeared behind Double Coston and Survivor appeared and grabbed it, leading it to another dimension. Finally, a third vortex opened behind Hunter and Survivor emerged again and punched him.(Hunter:7900 LP/John Doe:8000 LP)

Hunter: Before you end your turn, I activate a spell. Fires of Doomsday. So now I get 2 tokens on my side of the field.

John Doe: I set one face-down and you are on.

Hunter: Alright then. I draw. I start with Mystical Space Typhoon, destroying your facedown. Then, I release my tokens to summon Despair from The Dark (ATK/2800). Now go! Attack with *Silence of Despair*

The dark figure advanced forward with great speed and slashed Survivor with its sharp claws. D.D. Survivor disappeared into the Dimensional Fissure, while Despair slashed John and threw him on the wall behind him with force. (Hunter:7900 LP/John Doe:7000 LP)

John Doe: Whata hell just happened? That thing hit me for real!

Hunter: It’s all because of that device. What it does is make our monsters real. But don’t worry. I have set it to the Minimum so you are not in any kind of danger.

John Doe: Hey man, that is sick! Guess I’ll have to end this right now! Draw! And cause it’s my Standby Phase, Survivor comes back. Now I release him in order to summon my Caius, The Shadow Monarch. So say goodbye to Despair and 1000 of your life points. (Hunter:6900 LP/John Doe:7000 LP) Now Caius! Attack him directly! (Hunter:4500 LP/John Doe:7000 LP). One more facedown and that’s all for me.

Hunter: Impressive. Too bad it has to end. I play Pot of Greed. So it’s two more cards for me.

John Doe: Using a banned card to gain advantage… What a loser. Go on.

Hunter: I reveal my face-down. It’s Mystical Space Typhoon. So your fissure is out. Next I play Card Destruction. So it’s time for us to draw yet again. And since there are now exactly 3 DARK monsters in my Graveyard, I summon Dark Armed Dragon (ATK/2800). And I think you are aware of what this card does. Now I remove 2 of the monsters in my Grave to destroy both your monster and your face-down. Next I play another spell card. Contract with the Demons.
Spoiler:
 
So now I summon the all-mighty Darkness Neosphere (ATK/4000). Finally I activate the field spell Mystic Plasma Zone. It’s over. DAD attack! (Hunter:100 LP/John Doe:3700 LP). Now it’s your turn Neosphere. Attack! And take it a little easy. He is on our side now.

Whatever you say master. said Neosphere in Hunters head and attacked (Hunter:100 LP/John Doe:0 LP).A dark aura like black flames engulfed John while the building started to crumble.

Hunter: So, how are you feeling Mr. Doe?

John Doe: I feel Great!!! Power is overflowing within me!!! Thank you Hunter…I have finally seen the light. Or should I say… the darkness.

2 days later

It was about 10 pm. Ace was heading home, carrying the groceries Redgar needed to prepare dinner. It was a silent night. Everything seemed peaceful. Ace turned on the corner of a dark alley.

Ace, I sense danger! Be careful! said the voice of Magician of Black Chaos in Ace’s head.

John Doe: Welcome young man. I hope you are ready to duel…for your life that is. Hahahahahahahahahaha…

Ace: Wait a sec. You are…

Next Chapter: First Blood
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 6:27 am

Nice work, Ace. Now I have to call vem, Uncle Vemmy :D the only mistake I saw was this:
Quote :

And since there are now exactly 3 DARK monsters in my Graveyard, I
summon Dark Armed Dragon (ATK/2800). And I think you are aware of what
this card does. Now I remove 2 of the monsters in my Grave to destroy
both your monster and your face-down.
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 6:34 am

Thanks mate. What exactly do you mean by mistake? If the prob is the 3 DARK monsters, that was accomplished by Card Destruction. Hunter had 3 cards in his hand and discarder all of them and drew 3 more. All 3 discarded cards were dark monster. Sorry if it wasn't clear enough.
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 9:28 am

This mistake was when you said I remove 2 monsters to destroy your two monsters AND your face-down
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 9:48 am

LegendaryFrost wrote:
This mistake was when you said I remove 2 monsters to destroy your two monsters AND your face-down
He wrote "both your monster and your face-down" not "both monsters and your face-down". It seems correct to me (although english is not my mother language ;))

Interesting chapter! But even if you post 5 in a row, I'll still ask for more!! :P

Quote :
...while Sin took another sip of his coke.
Quote :
Vem was sitting behind his desk in his dark office, drinking a glass of whiskey on the rocks.
I loled for a whole minute after i read that :P

Also, I find it weird that J. Doe changed heart like that (I mean look at the dialogue). Is he...possessed maybe?
and...
funny rl references here and there are funny :P

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Spirit that only HE could see... That made PERFECT sense.
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 10:28 am

sinakis wrote:
Also, I find it weird that J. Doe changed heart like that (I mean look at the dialogue). Is he...possessed maybe?

What are you? A prophet or sth ? Thanks for the support!
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 10:38 am

ace94 wrote:
What are you? A prophet or sth ? Thanks for the support!

The Creator is my spirit guardian in the story, so, at least story-wise, I guess so xDD

edit: epic post is epic, lol

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Spirit that only HE could see... That made PERFECT sense.
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PostSubject: Re: Fanfic: End of The World (chapter 6) NEW   Thu May 19, 2011 1:02 pm

Oops, my bad Ace, btw it seems like I am stronger than my Uncle Vemmeh :D
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